the c word

At first I thought I should keep this blog light and airy.. but I’ve decided to keepin it real..

This time last year, my mum was diagnosed with bowel cancer.. so far she’s had 19 cycles of chemo (every fortnight), selective internal sphere radiation, bowel surgery, and now awaiting for her liver surgery..

Today, is her chemo day, and it’s the one day I get to spend with her alone.. not under the most ideal circumstance (ironically, being phd-less is a blessing in disguise).. but it feels indulgent to have alone time with my mummy.. sitting nervously in the doctors room, holding her hand when they put the needle in, making her tea at the oncology clinic, and stealing drinks from the fridge.. we have our rituals, little winks of knowing, updates on family gossip, chatting about life, complaining about hospital food and speculating about other patients and nurses..

Although the future is still filled with uncertainty, but as we grow everyday in this journey we learn to appreciate things that we normally walk pass without a second thought.. every pink sunset, discount at the chinese grocery, kindness of strangers, sitting down for a picinic concert, late night shopping on a lazy summer day, unsolicited hugs, have mum reaching out for my hand while crossing the road..

Sure there’s still the occasional brawl, and boy, mum definitely knows which buttons to push.. but when I take her hand into mine, I’m reminded of the inseparable bond, blissful warmth that floods me, and how petrified I am by the thought of living my life without her..